The Lifelong Learner         by Stanley Kubasek | About Me |

There are many schools of thought on marriage. Some say that you should become half of yourself and take the other half from your spouse and blend into one. This might work for some but for others, and I think I'm in this camp, this will not. I discovered a different school of thought today.

Be Yourself
You should allow your spouse to be herself (and vice versa). You should be authentic. That's the only way you're going to be happy. I agree with this type of thinking. You want to be yourself because that's what makes you happy.

Where did I learn about this? While listening to Shut Up, Stop Whining. It's a "in your face" type of book, filled with many good suggestions and thoughts. I like it.

But how would that work? The way it's going to work is that while still being yourself, you find some common set of things that you and your spouse love. You do those things together. You concentrate on them while you're together and you build on top of them. What if you don't have or cannot find anything in common? Then find somebody else! (He gives a lot of these types of advices in the book.)

Arguing
All couples argue. If you don't, then you're boring -- at least that's what the author says. I agree with him, though. The key is to argue well.

I'm sure you had a discussion with your spouse where you blame your spouse or you get blamed. It happens all the time. Those are called cheap shots. That's exactly how you should not argue!

Concentrating on somebody or name calling is not the right way to resolve issues. The author of the book gives great advice: It's good to argue but always concentrate on the thing not on the person. That's great advice. Don't use cheap shots, convince your spouse with solid arguments based on the facts that pertain to the thing you're discussing. If you are tempted to say "because you are...," stop, that's a cheap shot, say "because this is...."

Reference
Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get a Life by by Larry Winget