Influencing Change
How do you influence another person? How do you make him change? How do you get him out of this habit that's killing you?
It's not easy. But there are good ways and bad ways of accomplishing the task. I found this out by reading a very good book on communication skills, Messages. I extracted what I found the most useful information.
"Influencing others is an art that requires an understanding of the principles of change."
INEFFECTIVE WAYS
Blaming, criticizing, or complaining.
- your basic message is "you are bad or wrong."
Threats.
- "do what I want, or else..."
Pouting or withdrawing.
- "you won't have it, if you won't do what I want"
EFFECTIVE STRATEGIES
Positive Reinforcement
1. Praise.
Everyone is hungry for esteem and appreciation. You can praise past behavior that is similar to the changes you now want to reinforce.
2. Trading.
"I'll give you X if you give me Y."
They are effective because they acknowledge the other person's needs and promise to provide something real as compensation for the desired behavior.
3. Building in rewards.
Much like trading, but the reinforcement is woven into the desired behavior.
"Come shopping with me. There's a huge bookstore in the mall. You can browse around and see what new biographies they have."
4. Verbal and nonverbal appreciation.
Appreciation conveys the message that you are grateful, you are pleased, and you value what the person has done. It greatly increases the chance that the behavior will be repeated and you will continue to get what you want.
Negative Consequences
Negative consequences should be used as a last resort, when positive reinforcement isn't working. They tend to create a backlash of anger and resentment.
1. Stop rewarding the person for behavior you don't want.
If you want somebody to be punctual, don't wait for them while they're still doing some last minute preparations
Influencing others is bound to be frustrating when you consistently reward them for staying the same.
2. Design self-care strategies to meet your needs when the other person is unable or unwilling to make desired changes.
"If a friend keeps borrowing things without returning them, a self-care strategy might be to insist that only one thing can be borrowed at a time."
3. Identify natural consequences.
"If someone is always late for your lunch dates, stop eating with them in restaurants.
Reference
Messages: The Communication Skills Book
