The Lifelong Learner         by Stanley Kubasek | About Me |

How do you influence another person? How do you make him change? How do you get him out of this habit that's killing you?

It's not easy. But there are good ways and bad ways of accomplishing the task. I found this out by reading a very good book on communication skills, Messages. I extracted what I found the most useful information.

"Influencing others is an art that requires an understanding of the principles of change."

INEFFECTIVE WAYS

Blaming, criticizing, or complaining.
- your basic message is "you are bad or wrong."

Threats.
- "do what I want, or else..."

Pouting or withdrawing.
- "you won't have it, if you won't do what I want"

EFFECTIVE STRATEGIES

Positive Reinforcement

1. Praise.
Everyone is hungry for esteem and appreciation. You can praise past behavior that is similar to the changes you now want to reinforce.

2. Trading.
"I'll give you X if you give me Y."
They are effective because they acknowledge the other person's needs and promise to provide something real as compensation for the desired behavior.

3. Building in rewards.
Much like trading, but the reinforcement is woven into the desired behavior.
"Come shopping with me. There's a huge bookstore in the mall. You can browse around and see what new biographies they have."

4. Verbal and nonverbal appreciation.
Appreciation conveys the message that you are grateful, you are pleased, and you value what the person has done. It greatly increases the chance that the behavior will be repeated and you will continue to get what you want.

Negative Consequences

Negative consequences should be used as a last resort, when positive reinforcement isn't working. They tend to create a backlash of anger and resentment.

1. Stop rewarding the person for behavior you don't want.
If you want somebody to be punctual, don't wait for them while they're still doing some last minute preparations
Influencing others is bound to be frustrating when you consistently reward them for staying the same.

2. Design self-care strategies to meet your needs when the other person is unable or unwilling to make desired changes.
"If a friend keeps borrowing things without returning them, a self-care strategy might be to insist that only one thing can be borrowed at a time."

3. Identify natural consequences.
"If someone is always late for your lunch dates, stop eating with them in restaurants.

Reference
Messages: The Communication Skills Book

This is the best set of rules for self-leadership I have read. These are principles that will make you a better leader, a better person, and a better learner. Priceless. Lifelong learning.

1. Set goals for your life; not just for your job. What we think of as “meaning of life” goals affect your lifestyle outside of work too, and you get whole-life context, not just work-life, each feeding off the other.

2. Practice discretion constantly, and lead with the example of how your own good behavior does get great results. Otherwise, why should anyone follow you when you lead?

3. Take initiative. Volunteer to be first. Be daring, bold, brave and fearless, willing to fall down, fail, and get up again for another round. Starting with vulnerability has this amazing way of making us stronger when all is done.

4. Be humble and give away the credit. Going before others is only part of leading; you have to go with them too. Therefore, they’ve got to want you around!

5. Learn to love ideas and experiments. Turn them into pilot programs that preface impulsive decisions. Everything was impossible until the first person did it.

6. Live in wonder. Wonder why, and prize “Why not?” as your favorite question. Be insatiably curious, and question everything.

7. There are some things you don’t take liberty with no matter how innovative you are when you lead. For instance, to have integrity means to tell the truth. To be ethical is to do the right thing. These are not fuzzy concepts.

8. Believe that beauty exists in everything and in everyone, and then go about finding it. You’ll be amazed how little you have to invent and much is waiting to be displayed.

9. Actively reject pessimism and be an optimist. Say you have zero tolerance for negativity and self-fulfilling prophecies of doubt, and mean it.

10. Champion change. As the saying goes, those who do what they’ve always done, will get what they’ve always gotten. The only things they do get more of are apathy, complacency, and boredom.

11. Be a lifelong learner, and be a fanatic about it. Surround yourself with mentors and people smarter than you. Seek to be continually inspired by something, learning what your triggers are.

12. Care for and about people. Compassion and empathy become you, and keep you ever-connected to your humanity. People will choose you to lead them.

Reference
12 Rules for Self-Leadership - lifehack.org

Another great piece as part of the Leadership Wired newsletter.

Qualities independent of talent which, when practiced, add value to others and ourselves:

Teachability

The desire to listen, learn, and apply is not innate, but when cultivated, it aids the growth and development of a leader.

Successful people view learning differently than those who are less successful. For successful leaders, learning is as necessary as breathing. They crave knowledge and seek it out through books, conferences, conversations, and evaluated experiences. The unsuccessful person is burdened by learning, and prefers to walk down familiar paths. Their distaste for learning stunts their growth and limits their influence.

Initiative

Initiative is the inner drive that propels leaders to achieve great dreams. American founding father, Benjamin Franklin, held to the following maxim about initiative: “To succeed, jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions.” Leaders with initiative have an eagerness to make things happen. They have a positive restlessness that prevents them from being content with average.

Passion

A person of passion will move mountains to see their dream come to fruition. Passion long outlasts talent for a leader in pursuit of a vision.

Courage

We need courage to seek the truth when we know it may be painful. We need courage to change when it’s easier to remain comfortable. We need courage to express our convictions when others challenge us. We need courage to learn and grow, especially when doing so exposes our weaknesses. We need courage to take the high road when others treat us badly, and lastly, we need courage to lead when being in front makes us an easy target for criticism.

Reference
Leadership Wired - November 2006

Great leadership article. I've extracted some excerpts.

By nature, leaders are decision-makers. The more influential the leader, the more consequential their decisions will be. Leaders are out in front because they have proven their ability to choose the appropriate course of action when faced with big decisions.

However, when a leader begins to rely solely on personal observation and intuition, that leader is headed for trouble. Even the wisest among us has a limited perspective, and we will miss important decision-making clues if we become entirely self-reliant.

In this edition of LW, I am indebted to the brilliant thought of Dr. Saj-nicole A. Joni in her book, The Third Opinion. An extremely well-written text, The Third Opinion makes the case for the value of outside insight to the performance of a leader. In her book, Dr. Joni identifies four signs that the time is right to consult decision-making advice.

• When multiple decisions need to be made, and you don’t have the required amount of time to focus fully on each one.

• When the implications of the decision are far-reaching, and you know your organization will be in serious trouble if you don’t do the right thing.

• When you lack the expertise to tackle the issue on your own, regardless of whether you have the time.

• When you are capable of taking action, but you know the decision will be better off if you consult the experiences and insights of someone else.

Reference
REACH OUT AND ASK SOMEONE, Leadership Wired, Dr. John C. Maxwell

The latest issue of ComputerWorld, Oct 2nd issue, has a very good section on leadership, Lessons In Leadership, where five top CIOs share their lessons learned. I am going to extract some great quotes I found. These quotes explain what leadership is in a practical way.

Bette Walker, CIO of Delphi Corp
"I remind my direct reports that if they're not doing a good job of communicating, coaching and preparing materials in advance, change will take even longer."

David Rice, CIO of Siemens Medical Solutions USA
"Sometimes the absolutely worst decision is to not make a decision. Being a leader means having to make tough decisions. If you're not comfortable with that, you're probably in the wrong job."

Bill Spooner, CIO of Sharp HealthCare
"You've got to do everything you can to make your employees proud to work for you and proud of what they're doing. They need to sense the importance of what they're doing."

Rick Davidson, CIO of Manpower
"I believe it's important to be honest and transparent and to establish trust between management and employees. People follow leaders because the leader can take them places they can't go on their own. And if you violate that trust, people won't follow you anymore."

Noel Tichy, author and former head of GE's leadership center
Q: "What is the best thing a leader can do?"
A: "Be a teacher and develop other leaders while the organization keeps winning. The worst people in the world to do this are consultants, professionals and training stuff. It is up to the leaders of an organization to be the teachers."

Reference
Lessons In Leadership, CW article

A good leader needs to have at least some charisma. What is charisma? I found a great definition of it while reading Win The Crowd.

Charismatic people are:

• enthusiastic
• confident
• comfortable in their own skin
• unconcerned about what others think of them
• masters of their subject matter
• symbols of something others desire

Be Unconcerned About What Others Think of You
The key to charisma may lie in this advice. Do what seems right to you, and don't waver when people present differing points of view. Stay true to who you are and what you believe in. People will often test you to see how far you can be pushed. Don't budge. The firmer you stand, the clearer it is what you stand for.

You can't please everybody. Not everybody will like you and that's perfectly okay. There is no need to be liked by every person you meet.

Stop trying to impress everyone. Your presentations will improve, and people will be more attracted to you when you decide to impress no one but yourself.

Reference
Win The Crowd, Steve Cohen

What makes a good leader?

I don't think there is one answer to this question. There are different views on that. But there are some characteristics that a leader should have. The following sums it up nicely:

"We want honest leaders, who are decisive, creative, optimistic and even courageous .... one of the most critical traits of a leader: humility. A humble leader listens to others. He or she values input from employees and is ready to hear the truth, even if it's bad news. Humility is marked by an ability to admit mistakes."

Reference
The above quote is taken from a very good blog post about leadership, Humble Leaders - An Oxymoron?

Who is he? He's the best management guru that ever lived.

I've only discovered Peter last week. Somebody, not sure who, recommended his books. I went on Amazon, searched for his books and decided to buy "The Daily Drucker." So far, from the intro and from the several daily entries, I can say that people are right. Peter Drucker is the best. I love his writings.

The daily Drucker is broken up to 366 entries. I plan to read a short entry or two every day (it takes me around 5 minutes). I've read several so far and each entry contains so much wisdom packed to a page. People say that Drucker's words are concise and that he can pack a lot of wisdom in a sentence. That's what I've been finding so far. For instance, what do you think of "If leaders are unable to slough off yesterday, to abandon yesterday, they simply will not be able to create tommorow" or "All organizations need to know that virtually no program or activity will perform effectively for a long time without modification and redesign. Eventually every activity becomes obsolete."

I'd say that if you want to read a good management book, read Drucker. I am definitely going to read a lot of him in the future.

Reference
The Daily Drucker, Peter F. Drucker

I admire leaders that speak the truth, speak from the heart, and that are open (candor). If you are like that, you will earn credidibility. But why do you need credibility?

"Credibility is a leader's currency. With it he or she solvent; without it he or she is bankrupt." That's a quote from the latest Leadership Wired newsletter. In it, John Maxwell offers four keys to establishing leadership crediblity

1) Speak the truth.
Be honest and upfront. Transparency breeds legitimacy—make it a priority to be open with financial statements, policies, and decision-making rationale.

2) Don't hide bad news.

3) Never over-promise.
Do not make promises you cannot keep. Why do you think politicians have such a poor reputation? It's very simple. They promise the world and seldom deliver.

4) Do what you say you will do.
Follow up and follow through.

Simple and to the point. I really like that. Most of all, if you want to be a leader, be an authentic leader.

Reference
Credible Communication, Leadership Wired Newsletter, April 2005 -- read my previus recommendation

Many of you might know John Maxwell from his books. He is the author of many books. I have read some of them and recommend them to anybody who wants to learn more on leadership and personal growth.

Leadership Wired is a newsletter from John Maxwell. In every issue you will find excellent information on how to become a better leader, how to grow personally, and how to become a better communicator. I highly recommend signing up for it.

Reference:
Leadership Wired -- latest issue
Leadership Wired -- sign up here

The definition of a great leader that you will read below, from Chris Widener, is just great. If you want to become a leader or want to know what a real leader does, READ THIS. I received it through his newsletter, Chris Widener's Ezine (see below).

Character Traits of Extraordinary Leaders by Chris Widener

When people make a decision (either consciously or unconsciously) to follow your leadership, they do it primarily because of one of two things: Your Character or your Skills. They want to know if you are the kind of person they want to follow and if you have the skills to take them further. Yes, there are other variables but these are the bulk of the matter. This article will focus on the kind of character that causes people to follow your leadership.

1. Integrity. Integrity is that you do what you say you will. You are trust worthy. People can rely on you. You keep your promises. The one thing that will most keep people from following you is if they can't know for sure if you will actually take them where you say you will. Are you known as a person of integrity? If so, you will become an Extraordinary Leader!

2. Optimistic. People don't want to follow others who think the future is bad! They want to follow those who can see the future and let them know that there is a better place and that they can get them there! Do you see the cup as half empty? Then you are a pessimist. Do you see it as half full? Then you are an optimist. Do you see it as totally full - half air and half water? Then you are a Super Optimist! Are you known as an optimist? If so, you will become an Extraordinary Leader!

3. Embraces Change. Leaders are the ones who will see the need for change and willingly embrace it. Followers will at first desire to stay where they are. Leaders need to see the benefits of change and communicate them to followers. If you don't change, you won't grow! Are you known as a person who embraces change? If so, you will become an Extraordinary Leader!

4. Risk Taker. Whenever we try something new, we are taking a risk. That is part of growing though and it is imperative. Most people are risk averse. Not the leader! They calculate the risk and what is to be gained from taking the risk. Then they communicate that to the followers and away they go to a better tomorrow! Are you known as a person who is willing to take risks? If so, you will become an Extraordinary Leader!

5. Tenacious. The tendency of the follower is to quit when the going gets tough. Two or three tries and their motto becomes "If at first you don't succeed, give up and try something else." Not the leader! They know what good lies beyond this brick wall and they will go and get it. Then they will bring others with them! Are you known as a person who is tenacious? If so, you will become an Extraordinary Leader!

6. Catalytic. A leader is ultimately one who gets people going. They are able to move others out of their comfort zone and on toward the goal! They can raise the passion, enthusiasm and the ACTION of those who would follow. Are you known as a catalyst? If so, you will become an Extraordinary Leader!

7. Dedicated/Committed. Followers want people who are more devoted and committed than themselves. At the first sign of lack of commitment, followers scatter for the doors. If the leader sees the end and is bailing out, they better get out first. Followers follow those who will stick it out because they see the importance of the task and the goal. Are you known as a person who is committed and devoted to the goal? If so, you will become an Extraordinary Leader!

-Chris Widener

Do you have some of the qualities? Do you admire those qualites? Then you are or will be an Extraordinary Leader! Great stuff!

Reference
Chris Widener's Ezine -- Oct 2005 Issue

Being a leader is not easy. It takes effort. You have to give a lot to get a lot. Good leaders get the best out of others because they know how to CONNECT. Every leader needs to CONNECT...

C — Consider others first.
O — Open yourself up to them.
N — Never violate their trust.
N — Never manipulate them.
E — Encourage them at every opportunity.
C — Constantly add value to their lives.
T — Treat them with respect.

Reference
MAKE A CONNECTION in Leadership Wired by Dr. John C. Maxwell