The Lifelong Learner
:: Do what you can, with what you have, where you are -Roosevelt ::
The Lifelong Learner
:: Do what you can, with what you have, where you are -Roosevelt ::
Having a good connection with you son or daughter is probably the most important part in being a good father. That means being able to communicate well with your child. How do you do it? I found some really good, common sense advice on how to do it well. Read on.
Awesome Dads Top Ten Communication IntentionsAn Awesome Dad in by no means perfect. But that itself is perfect, because imperfection allows us to really understand the personal evolution our children are going through with us. The definition of an Awesome Dad, then, is the father who stays in the game, shows up fully and sets powerful intentions to grow into. Here are some:
I listen with my entire being – and without judgment. I seek first to understand and appreciate what my children say. From that vantage point, I will build their trust in me and be most supportive.
I see others as equals, neither superior nor inferior to me. Every person is a unique individual, just like everyone else on the planet. (hee hee)! We each have our own journey and everyone we encounter is integral to our life’s objectives. Children are no less important and should be treated with equal respect.
I engage my curiosity completely. I truly want to understand and try to grasp all that is going on for my children. I want to see the world afresh from their perspectives and glean new insights through them. I ask questions without an agenda.
I consider all perspectives and choose consciously. In this world of infinite possibilities, I seek to understand where everyone is coming from and only then choose what resonates most. I share this process with those I love.
First, do no harm! I communicate to foster understanding and growth but never to hurt. “Sticks and stones…” I know my words can cut deeper, and the resulting wounds take longer to heal.
I tell stories that speak to the heart. When I speak from the heart, my words penetrate other’s hearts. Parables and personal stories are easy to accept and are rarely accusatory, though often funny and informative.
I articulate the nuances. I use a rich vocabulary to communicate distinctions that will help to raise awareness and expand my family’s appreciation of life.
I understand the power of my touch. From a gentle touch on the cheek, to a vigorous backrub, to wrestling on the floor, I communicate my love through the powerful medium of touch. And I know when to refrain as well.
I share what’s there. I discuss difficult issues that warrant open communication without fear. I believe open communication will lead to the greatest family unity, even though the journey may be difficult.
My actions are congruent with my values. I am keenly aware that my actions speak louder than my words. The best communication is when words and actions match perfectly. Values in action…
Copyright 2004 by CoachVille, Dovid Grossman and Ken Mossman
About The AuthorMy father was a very successful engineer. But he and I never got along, and we fought all the time. One day, when I was 17, I told him, “I always wanted a close relationship with you, but we don’t have it.” I watched as three tears squeezed out of his pained eyes. And he said, “I’ve always wanted that, too, but I just don’t know how to do it.” Since that day, we haven’t argued. I got it. I understood his love for me was really deep. A lot of fathers are in the same boat. They love their kids dearly. But they don’t know how to express this in a way that their kids understand it. Which means there’s great pain in one of the most important relationships in their lives. I offer adventure, mentoring and coaching programs for fathers to become Awesome Dads. The benefits are a lifetime of pleasure and pride with the most important people in their lives. coach@dovidgrossman.com
ReferenceAwesome Dads Top Ten Communication Intentions – Parenting Ideas
I learned a lot by listening to these two books. They both contain similar information, but I think they compliment each other.
What did I learn? I used to think that punishment is a good way to discipline kids. I don’t mean hitting, but punishing for the wrong things. I see now that my thinking was wrong.
Punishing does not work! The result of punishment is that kids are just more careful and try not to get caught. There are better ways of making sure that the message gets across.
The most important thing is (I knew this was the key): pay attention to your kid’s feelings. Listen to your kid. Even if he is complaining. Listening is probably the most important thing that you can do to help your kid. Put yourself into his mind, think what he is going/went through, ask him to tell you more. Pay attention. By listening first, you have a chance that your kid will listen to you as well.
If however, you have a kid that misbehaves, there are ways to attack that. You hope you only have to take the first few steps. First, tell him to stop. Second, tell him how you feel and what you expect. Third, give him a choice (“you can either sit in the cart or walk and not run”). Fourth, and this is instead of punishment, take action, make him pay (I guess this is a form of a punishment): if you go to a store, and your kid insists on going, ask him why you’re going alone; offer to take him next time but not this time. Do not give in (this is important to teach him a lesson).
Don’t label your kid. Don’t call him names. Always concentrate on what he did wrong, not on him. Remember that your kid wants to be loved, and if you call him “you’re stupid,” “you’re slow,” etc, he will feel rejected. You don’t want that. Instead. tell him that you’re not happy with his action, and tell him your expectations.
Another good solution to your kids behavioral problem (when you’re running out of options) is to sit down with him and brainstorm for possible solutions. Tell him that you can both try to solve the problem. Ask him what he can do. Brainstorm for ideas. Write it down. You offer solutions as well. Write them down without discussing. After you come up with some solutions, you pick the ones that can work for both of you. The kid feels in charge this way.
Overall, good information contained in these books. I learned some new techniques, confirmed some of the ones that I had. All of the methods discussed in these books are good ones.
